It’s a common sight.
You come across one of the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen. She’s what would be objectively considered a ten, and who would have a line of people begging for a chance with her.
Then you see her partner/boyfriend, who’s just… there. He’s just not handsome enough to fit into the picture. There’s a gap between them, and he doesn’t look like he’s on the same level, swag and attractiveness-wise. Online, people would call him “chopped” in comparison.
But they look good together, and you can’t help but notice the way he looks at her like he can’t believe he pulled her. And if you asked, you’ll probably hear him say something along the lines of “I don’t even know why she chose me,” or “I don’t deserve her.” So you conclude that he’ll treat her really well, since she’s obviously out of his league.
But, of course that doesn’t happen. Check back in after a while, and the relationship is over. He turns out to be either a cheat, a gaslighting narcissist, or even an abusive person. Whichever one he chooses, the result is the same: it ends badly for her.
This is the average shrekking experience in this day and age.
What Exactly Is Shrekking?
As Cosmopolitan defines it, “shrekking” refers to dating someone you consider below your standards, with the assumption that because you’re out of this person’s league, you’ll automatically have the upper hand in the relationship and be unlikely to get hurt.”
In a world where almost every romantic relationship ends with tales of cheating, toxicity, and sometimes, even abuse, it’s honestly no wonder that this is a trend rapidly catching on with women. Sure, it may sound cold, but nobody wants to willingly enter a romantic relationship where they’ll only be hurt again, so as a means of defence, women are now going for the kinder guys with more personality than attractiveness who are sure to treat them right.
Only, they never do. And it again, only ends in disaster for these women. If you haven’t given much thought to this phenomenon known as shrekking, here’s what some real women have to say about it:
Zuri, 24
“He kept me in a situationship for two years before committing, and even then, the red flags never stopped. I kept excusing them because he had a great personality. Last year, he dumped me so we could “work through our issues,” only to flood his WhatsApp status with pictures of his new girlfriend.
Mind you, every time he sent me selfies, I used to hiss and shake my head.”
Kosiso, 27
“I will never do such a thing. My reason is simple: Imagine being heartbroken over someone you can’t even post because your friends would laugh. I’d rather cry over a beautiful man than an ugly one.”
Tosin, 29
“The shame I felt when I got cheated on by one still haunts me to this day. I fell in love with him for his personality, only for him to sleep with not one, but two of my neighbors. You know that saying, “Everywhere first blur “, that was me when I caught them. I couldn’t eat well for a week after.”
Favour, 22
“I honestly can never date an unattractive guy. I have a brother that I’m always begging to invest in his appearance because he’s ugly, and the pride he has? Crazy. The number of girls he played around with and devastated in uni actually still surprises me to this day.”
Aanu, 27
“I’ve dated one before, and everyone around me thought I was too good for him, and it turned out to be true. Being with me gave him this massive audacity that I never understood. He started feeling like he was the one doing me a favor and acting anyhow when I chose him for the opposite reason. I sha dumped him when he started acting out.”
Neye, 31
“I have 10 years of dating experience under my belt, so trust me when I say this: dating down will only end in disaster. An unattractive man is ruled by his insecurity. If any woman gives him attention, he’s jumping immediately on her because he needs the validation. Whether or not the woman is more attractive than you. Trust me, I’ve been there.”
Going For Looks Won’t Save You, Neither Will Personality
Most, if not all, of these stories have one thing in common: It’s less about how the guy looks and more about the things he’s done. The real problem with these stories isn’t really looks. It’s the idea that lowering your standards in terms of attractiveness will guarantee a better romantic experience. That if you choose “personality over looks,” you’ll find peace and enjoy a love that won’t end with you crying to ChatGPT at 3 am to understand where things went wrong.
And as these stories prove, that simply isn’t true. Dating an unconventionally attractive man won’t save you from heartbreak. Hell, shrekking might actually even double the pain because you’ll be dealing with the shame of it all. When there’s an imbalance that both of you can sense, it leads to insecurity on his part. And when that insecurity grows, it shows up as cheating, control, resentment, and just general ‘anyhowness’ because he has to regain his confidence some way, even if it comes at your expense.
So maybe the lesson here is not to date “down” or even “up”. Maybe it’s that it’s time to start dating with intention when it comes to emotional security. Shrekking won’t save you. Going for looks won’t either, no matter what they tell you. But going for someone who actually understands what self-awareness, accountability, and emotional maturity are and practices them just might.
