Ever since therapy speak found its way onto the internet, making concepts like attachment styles and mental health more commonplace. Yet, they are being used carelessly.
Today, we’re talking about attachment styles. Particularly, one of the less secure styles: the avoidant attachment.
If you’re an avoidant, you’re no stranger to the vitriol or hate we get online. The internet has said we’re monsters. In fact, THE monsters of the dating world. There are posts where people talk about their experiences with an avoidant, and you hear us called the craziest names: wolves in sheep’s clothing, manipulators, emotionally stunted losers, narcissists, you name it.
I’ve read these articles, seen these posts, watched these TikToks. I understand. Being avoidant is not good for other people. I mean, even I’ve rolled with my own avoidant, so I know how difficult it is.
But the thing is, I’m not that evil.
I think.
Before We Get Into All This: Who Exactly Is an Avoidant?
I know I am an avoidant. The 15,000 online tests I’ve taken, plus my therapist, have all told me the same thing: I am an avoidant. What exactly is the avoidant attachment style? And where does it even come from?
Take This Quiz To Find Out Your Attachment Style!
According to WebMD, your attachment style refers to the attitude or pattern of behaviour you display in relationships with other people. Your earliest interactions with your parents or other primary caregivers shape your attachment style throughout life. Depending on how close and responsive these caregivers were to you, your attachment style could be secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganised, or another type.
Read More: What Is Your Attachment Style?
For someone with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style, they didn’t learn to handle emotional intimacy well as a child. This is why they typically attempt to avoid this intimacy as much as possible and run for the hills when confronted with an emotional situation.
Some common signs of avoidant attachment in relationships include:
- Being uncomfortable with emotional closeness
- Finding it difficult to trust and rely on partners
- Pulling away if someone tries to get emotionally close
- Seeing themselves as independent and self-sufficient
- Acting disdainfully toward a partner expressing emotions
If you’re like me, and you ticked yes to all these signs, hi there, twin.
Some Common Misconceptions Of The Avoidant
The distinction between having an avoidant attachment style and being a villain in romantic relationships is often lost in translation for most people. As an avoidant who’s actively trying to be better, here are some common ways our actions are misinterpreted:
- We don’t care: This is probably the biggest misconception people have of us. If anything, avoidants feel too much. The withdrawal, the silence, the sudden coldness can read as indifference, but it isn’t. These harsh “nonchalant” feelings often arise when we feel the need to push people or shut them out because we’re overwhelmed. If an avoidant ever starts to pull back from you and disengage, it’s because you’ve gotten under their skin. That is why they feel the need to protect themselves before you hurt them, not because they are resentful.
- Avoidants are Narcissistic/ Intentionally Trying To Hurt You: This is a complicated one. Sometimes we can hurt you by pushing you away and saying things that may seem cold, but it’s not out of cruelty; it’s just that we don’t speak the same emotional language. What seems like a massive withdrawal to you may be of no importance to us simply because we don’t think it’s that big a deal, or we don’t care. This can look like gaslighting or like we’re intentionally trying to dismiss your feelings, but in reality, we don’t know that we hurt you, and we can’t even see why you’re hurt in the first place. We don’t express or deal with emotions the same way you do.
- We Are Manipulative: The constant push-and-pull may seem manipulative from the outside, but it really isn’t. It’s actually internal chaos. Our emotions aren’t regulated as with the secure attachment style, so we’re always on either end of the spectrum. Today, we’re pushing you away; tomorrow, we want you to try harder. We aren’t doing this out of manipulative or deceptive intentions; we’re just straddling the balance between wanting intimacy and being terrified of it.
Read More: Two Years Boy Sober: Here’s What You Learn When You Stop Dating
Tips For Dating An Avoidant
First things first: dating an avoidant is not for everybody, and that’s okay. It requires a particular kind of patience, a kind of understanding that requires you to grasp our patterns and why we act the way we do. If you ask us, it’s similar to trying to get a cat to like you: you have to let them come to it on their own terms.
If you’re up for the challenge, here are some tips for being with an avoidant partner:
- It’s a slow journey: For avoidant, you have to give us time to catch up to our feelings. Time to realise that you’re not going anywhere (hopefully) and that we can learn to trust and love you. It may be hard or easy, but it will most definitely be a slow process. By the end of it, when we’re sure we absolutely want to engage in intimacy fully with you, it’ll be worth it because nothing is shaking our conviction in you.
- Affection can be a trigger: Remember the cat analogy? Yeah, this is where it comes in. This sounds insane, we know. But sometimes you being kind, warm, and present is one of the worst things you can do to an avoidant. For lack of a better word, it’s triggering and can send us into a panic because we can’t deal with it. It’s not that we hate you, it’s just that intimacy for us often comes with in-built traumatic responses that we don’t want to face or acknowledge. Be careful not to be too overt in your affection during the early stages of dating an avoidant, as you might just be chasing them away.
- Words are not our strong suit: We may not be the best at saying the words, but when an avoidant loves you, it’s easy to tell. We show up for you, remember the small things, and most importantly, stay even when our instincts to run for our lives. If you’re waiting for words of affirmation and sweet love confessions, truth be told, you may not get that here. Pay attention to how we treat you, that’s what counts.
- You cannot fix us: If you’re entering a relationship hoping to change someone you already knew was avoidant, it’s a bad idea. It’s not your job to fix us, and if we knew you wanted to, trust that the relationship would be over. We’re not looking for a doctor or a savior. We want a partner that understands how we’re built and still chooses to love us either way. Dating an avoidant because they have the potential to be better is insulting and the wrong way to approach things. You can help us fix our attachment style by simply being a good partner rather than approaching it like a project.
Most importantly, stay. Do not enter into a relationship with an avoidant, knowing full well our struggles, and then leave halfway.
If they are worth it, stay.
Give Us A Chance
In conclusion, we are just people: annoyingly complicated people.
As an avoidant, I’m not sitting in my room at night with the lights off, plotting how to break your heart in a million ways; I am actually trying to be better, which is something we’re all seeking.
If your avoidant is consistently hurting you without making an effort to grow, leave. But if they are trying, recognise it, and be patient with them.
Just give us a chance, and we may surprise you.
Read More: What Is Your Attachment Style? Here’s What It’s Actually Saying About You
